Helderberg residents can now get lost in style
GORDON’S BAY — In what civic authorities are calling “a bold infrastructure investment in community visibility,” the Helderberg Municipality has completed its long-awaited street name repainting programme across Gordon’s Bay, Strand and Somerset West. The project, which reportedly consumed three contractors, one extended tender process and a budget that locals suspect could have resurfaced the R44 twice over, has delivered results that are nothing short of historic.
Historic, because several of the street names are now spelled in ways that have never previously existed in the English or Afrikaans languages.
Harbour Island’s gleaming new “HARRBOUR ROAD” sign greeted residents last Tuesday morning, positioned helpfully at the entrance to the very harbour it cannot spell. A spokesman for the municipality confirmed the sign was “checked and approved” before installation, which raises questions about the checking process that the spokesman was unfortunately unavailable to answer.
Not to be outdone, the old harbour precinct now boasts “ADMRIAL STREET,” a tribute to naval greatness that the navy itself, stationed a stone’s throw away, has chosen to regard with dignified silence. Sources within the base indicate the officers have taken to referring to it as “the sign” rather than by its stated name, lest they be seen endorsing it.
Somerset West, naturally, has reacted with the measured horror one would expect from a suburb that considers itself the Cape’s answer to the Home Counties. “BELVEDDERE AVENUE” appeared outside one of the area’s more stately wine estates last week, prompting at least one resident to submit a formal written complaint to three separate municipal departments and also, reportedly, her book club. Somerset West does not simply get lost. It gets lost with documentation.
Strand, ever pragmatic, has been more philosophical. “BEAACH ROAD” is technically accurate, residents note — it is indeed a road, and there is indeed a beach nearby, and the extra A perhaps reflects the expansive nature of the coastline. One retired schoolteacher on the beachfront was observed standing in front of the sign for some minutes before returning indoors. She has not commented publicly.
The Afrikaans street names have fared no better. “BERGZIGHT STREET” in the upper reaches of Gordon’s Bay — where the mountain views are, as the intended name suggests, genuinely spectacular — now immortalises a spelling that is neither German nor Afrikaans but occupies a fascinating linguistic territory somewhere between the two. European swallow visitors from Germany, arriving as they do each September to reclaim their favourite rental cottages up against the Helderberg, have reportedly found this charming. Their South African neighbours have not used the word charming.
Down on the lower roads, where Gordon’s Bay’s less mountainside-adjacent residents go about their daily business, “VISSERMAN CLOSE” makes a confident attempt at the fishing heritage of the old harbour. Visserman is not a word. Visser is a word. Viskerman is a word, informally. Visserman is the municipality’s contribution to the Afrikaans lexicon and it stands, freshly painted, three metres from the sea.
In Firgrove, which did not ask to be included in the programme but was included nonetheless, residents discovered that their main access road had been repainted as “FIGGROVE ROAD,” swapping the area’s namesake fir trees for what appears to be either a fig or a typographical adventure. The local farming community along the R44 corridor — predominantly European-owned smallholdings whose proprietors spend half the year in the Netherlands and Switzerland and the other half wondering what has happened in their absence — are expected to receive the news sometime in October.
The municipality has stated that any errors will be “assessed on a case by case basis” and that residents wishing to report a spelling concern should complete Form 17B available from the municipal offices in Somerset West, which are open on alternating Tuesdays except during load-shedding, public holidays or periods of administrative review.
Sir Lowry’s Pass village, perched above it all on the mountain road, received no new signage whatsoever. Residents there have expressed no opinion. It is possible they have not yet been informed that there was a programme.
Stellenbosch, when asked for comment, noted through a university spokesperson that the institution offers an accredited course in Applied Linguistics and that several doctoral theses on orthographic standardisation were available through the library. This was not, strictly speaking, a comment on the signs. It was, however, very Stellenbosch.
The municipality has confirmed that Phase Two of the programme — covering the remaining residential streets — will commence “pending finalisation of the new tender.” Residents are advised to update their GPS systems and manage their expectations accordingly.
The Helderburger understands that the contractor responsible for the signage has submitted an invoice describing the work as “complteed to specifikation.”
The Helderburger — Serving the Helderberg since before we could spell it properly either.