A survival guide for Helderberg residents who own a garden purely for the view and have made peace with that
By Fanus Botes, Horticultural Correspondent
Winter in the Helderberg brings cold warnings, rain that actually arrives for once and the annual guilt of a garden you have ignored since March. This publication understands. Not everyone wants to spend their Saturday pruning roses when there is a perfectly good pub crawl calling. Here are our tips for the gardener who wants credit without the commitment.
1. Mulch Everything and Call It a Design Choice
A thick layer of mulch hides weeds, retains moisture and disguises the fact that you have not touched the flower bed since spring. Nobody questions mulch. Mulch is the bunker jacket of gardening. Call it the “Winter warmer” like gloves.
2. Let the Rain Do the Watering
It is winter. The sky is doing your job for you. Step outside once a week, nod approvingly at the puddles and go back inside.
3. Prune Only What Is Blocking the Braai Area
Selective pruning saves time. If a branch is not interfering with your sightline to the fire, it stays exactly where it is.
4. Buy One Bag of Compost and Leave It Visibly on the Lawn
The presence of a compost bag suggests intent. Intent is ninety percent of gardening. Actually, opening the bag is optional.
5. Plant Something in a Pot Instead of the Ground
Pots require less commitment, less bending and can be moved indoors the moment things get complicated, which in winter is often.
6. Rake Leaves into One Corner and Reconsider Your Life Choices There
You don’t have to remove the leaves. You simply have to relocate them somewhere less visible from the stoep.
7. Trust the Frost to Kill the Weeds for You
Nature is doing quality control. Let it.
8. Install Outdoor Lighting So the Garden Looks Intentional After Dark
A few fairy lights strung through a neglected shrub reads as ambience rather than abandonment. This is the single greatest trick in low effort gardening.
9. Grow Something That Cannot Die from Neglect
Aloes. Succulents. Anything with the word “hardy” on the label. If it needs daily attention, it does not belong in your garden and possibly not in your life. Wild Olive is my selected choice.
10. Wait Until a Friend Compliments the Garden, Then Accept the Compliment Fully
Do not correct them. Do not mention the mulch strategy. Simply say thank you and change the subject to rugby.
11. Cover the Vegetable Patch with Plastic and Call It Overwintering
This is technically true. It is also doing most of the work for you while you are elsewhere. I will prevent new weeds from germinating.
12. Delegate to the Dog
Dogs are natural aerators of soil, distributors of leaves and destroyers of anything that was going to fail anyway. Let nature’s assistant manager handle it.
13. Attend One Gardening Talk at the Library, Absorb Nothing, Feel Accomplished Anyway
Read more gardening books. It will get you to that required level of gardening knowledge. Attendance counts. Retention does not.
14. Buy Seed Packets You Will Plant in Spring, Possibly
The purchase itself generates a small dopamine hit that closely resembles actual productivity. I have many unopened packets of seeds, I keep them for the colourful images on the front and reminds me of how my garden could look like in the near future. Fortunately, these seed packets do not have “a plant by” date stamped on them.
15. Move the Garden Gnome to a New Spot Once a Month
This creates the illusion of ongoing landscaping activity to anyone glancing over the fence. Go to the river to find a couple of pebbles about the size of a soccer ball to scatter in the garden.
16. Accept That the Weeds Growing Near the Fence Are Now Technically Ground Cover
Reframing is a powerful horticultural tool. They do give a yellow flower at times.
17. Let the Neighbour’s Overhanging Tree Do the Shade Work for Free
Why plant a tree when someone else already has and it drops leaves onto their side.
18. Schedule Garden Maintenance for “After This Round”
A time honoured Helderberg tradition. The round rarely ends before dark.
19. Point Out That Winter Dormancy Is a Real Botanical Term and Therefore Applies to You Too
If the plants are resting, so are you. This is science.
20. Reward Yourself with a Pub Crawl for Having a Garden at All
Ownership alone is an achievement. Celebrate accordingly, preferably at three establishments minimum. Don’t drink and drive.
“My garden has never looked better since I stopped touching it.” — Fanus Botes, speaking from experience
CORRECTIONS NOTICE: An earlier draft of this article recommended weekly watering. On reflection the correspondent has not watered anything since April and sees no reason to start recommending habits he does not practise himself. If it survives it’s a winner.
FOOTNOTES:
¹ Mulch does not, in fact, disguise everything. Ask any neighbour with functioning eyesight.
² The dog has not been formally consulted on its delegated responsibilities.
³ This correspondent’s garden was used as a control group for this article and remains a cautionary tale.
Be the first to comment