How To Get Rich By Tuesday: A Field Guide For The Morally Flexible
Our Motoring Correspondent branches out into financial advice nobody asked for and several municipal bylaws did not survive the process
By Kobus Liebenberg, Guest Contributor (Financial Affairs Not fully Qualified)
In today’s fast paced economy everyone wants money fast and nobody wants to work for it. Fortunately, there exists a shadow curriculum of hustles so bold that success is basically guaranteed right up until the point someone presses charges. This publication takes no responsibility for readers who act on any of the below and several of our readers already have.
1. Flip Stuff You Haggled Someone Out Of
Hit the garage sales early. Corner a pensioner over a chipped teapot. Talk them down to nothing then relist it online at triple the price. Capitalism working exactly as intended, according to a source who wished to remain anonymous and also unindicted.
2. Gamble Online (Just Don’t Lose)
Simply play poker strategically and win every time. Analysts call this “impossible.” We call it “a plan we have not yet tested.”
“I have never once seen this work, but I have seen it not work with tremendous confidence.” — Fanus Botes, on his cousin’s poker career
3. Become a Tradesman Overnight and Steal the Tools
Announce yourself as a plumber. When the job needs tools you don’t own, buy them on the customer’s account. Congratulations, you now have a toolbox and zero return customers.
4. Resell Gift Vouchers to the Unsuspecting
Sharpen your sales pitch and offload vouchers of any origin onto anyone who doesn’t ask questions. Reputable sourcing is optional apparently, though this newspaper’s legal correspondent strongly disagrees.
5. Clinical Trials, and If Things Get Truly Desperate, Your Organs
Medical studies pay well. Selling organs pays better but do try to keep one of each for balance.
6. Sell Your Blood on an Online Auction Site
Because nothing says trusted medical marketplace like a platform better known for used furniture and questionable rugby memorabilia.
7. Rent Out Everything You Own
Tools, cameras, the television, your dignity. Passive income with minimal effort and considerable insurance implications nobody has thought through.
8. “Recycle” the Neighbourhood’s Metal
Advertise your neighbour’s car for scrap without troubling your neighbour with this information. The scrapyard does not ask questions and neither, evidently, do you.
9. Fake Age Family Photos and Sell Them as Antiques
Leave grandmother’s wedding photo in direct sunlight for a week until it looks suitably ancient then sell it as a genuine heirloom to a stranger. History, invented fresh, weekly.
10. Odd Jobs, Loosely Defined
Cleaning, hauling furniture, setting your own hours. The one entirely legitimate item on this list, included here purely to lower your guard before item eleven.
11. House Sit and Eat Everything in the Fridge
Reliability is key. So, evidently, is finishing the biscuits before the owners return.
12. Tutor any Subject
You Learned Ten Minutes Ago via a Search Engine. Confidence is ninety percent of pedagogy. The other ten percent is hoping nobody checks your homework.
13. Run a Raffle with a “Surprise” Prize
Charge an entry fee. Define surprise loosely. Definitely do not define it as nothing, several previous organisers learned this the hard way.
14. Sell Your Expired Cards
A booming market in cardboard rectangles that no longer function, priced according to vibes and general desperation.
15. Rent Out Your Hard Drive Space to Strangers on the Internet
What could possibly go wrong when anonymous parties store unknown data on your personal computer. Truly a mystery this newspaper does not intend to solve.
CORRECTIONS NOTICE: An earlier draft of this article referred to organ selling as “low risk.” It is not. The Helderburger regrets any confusion and any subsequent visits from concerned family members.
FOOTNOTES:
¹ Please do not sell your organs, your blood, or your neighbour’s car.
² Kobus Liebenberg has been asked by the editor to return to writing about traffic circles.
³ Fanus Botes’s cousin has still not won at poker.
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