I have recently been accused of having high standards because I once asked for a clean glass in a Somerset West bistro, but I am here to set the record straight. Nothing gets my heart racing like a pub that looks like it was recently used as a filming location for a “man bijt hond” style documentary. I have spent the last week touring several well known and remarkably similar establishments along the Main Road stretches of the Strand and Somerset West, and I have come to a conclusion: we are living in a golden age of pub style estasblishments!
To the unassuming naivety of the casual tourist, these bars might look like places where dreams go to be mugged, but to the true local insider, they represent the absolute pinnacle of “no questions asked” hospitality.
CULINARY RISKS AND REWARDS
The standout feature of these Main Road sanctuaries is undoubtedly the commitment to “raw” cuisine. I recently visited a popular spot near a famous furniture store where I ordered the legendary chicken basket. I was moved to tears, and eventually to a very long sit down in the bathroom, by the chef’s decision to serve the wings medium rare.
There is something incredibly brave about biting into a drumstick and finding a center that is still cool to the touch and a delightful shade of sunset pink. It is a texture that screams “I trust my supplier,” and I for one appreciate the lack of overcooking that plagues so many modern kitchens. Why ruin a good bird with heat when you can enjoy it in its most natural state? The chips, served in a basket that I suspect was pre-seasoned by a previous customer suggested that these places are true to their rustic charms.
INTERIOR DESIGN FROM THE ASHES
The decor across these various establishments follows a very strict and sophisticated theme: “Neglect.” I particularly love the way many of these pubs near the mountains or the sea have embraced the concept of the “interactive floor.” There is a certain thrill in walking across a texture that has become so sticky with decades of spilled brandy and coke lite that it actually tries to keep your shoe as a souvenir. It is like a firm handshake from the building itself. I like that.
The lighting in these spots are also worth a mention. Most of these gems prefer a single, flickering bulb that operates on a frequency designed to induce mild vertigo. It creates a wonderful sense of mystery. Is that a person sitting in the corner or just a very large dog? You never really know, and that is part of the magic. It is the kind of atmosphere where even the most “unassuming” person feels like they are in a high stakes spy thriller, even if they are just trying to get a free drink or solicit you for sexual favours in exchange for money.
SERVICE WITH A SQUINT
The staff at these establishments are a breed apart. Forget the fake “How is your day going?” nonsense you get in the mall. At a true dive, the service is refreshingly hostile. I visited one spot near a well known petrol station where the barwoman didn’t speak a single word during my entire stay. She simply grunted when I pointed at a bottle and handed me my change with a look of profound disappointment.
It is that kind of honesty that keeps me coming back. She wasn’t there to make friends; she was there to ensure that the brandy kept flowing and that nobody died on her shift without a valid reason. It is a level of professional boundaries that we could all learn from.
THE VERDICT: A FIVE STAR EXPERIENCE
Whether you are in a wood paneled hole near the Strand station or at a kitchen counter on the edge of Somerset West, the Main Road offers a consistency that is hard to find elsewhere. You are guaranteed a drink that is mostly ice, a meal that is mostly a gamble, and a bathroom experience that will make you grateful for the invention of the outdoor shower.
I give the collective Main Road scene a glowing review. It is a place where class doesn’t matter, hygiene is optional, and the chicken is always served with a side of adrenaline. For those with the stomach for it, it is the only way to truly experience the Helderberg.
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