EXCLUSIVE
By Elliot Berg, Submitted by L. Kinshella
SOMERSET WEST – A local flat dweller has officially declared a state of “absolute total chemical warfare” on the Somerset West Main Road, claiming his life has been turned into a literal, living, breathing sewerage farm! Lionel Kinshella, a red-blooded resident trapped in a flat directly overlooking the busy strip next to Capitec and Vegas Bets, claims he is living through a non-stop, 365-day “horror show of noise, chaos, and mystery bodily fluids.”
According to sources close to the pavement, a rolling committee of uninvited street-side guests has allegedly taken up permanent residence on the tarmac. According to a heavily distressed Kinshella as well as multiple other residents within the vicinity of these apartments, the daily carnival kicks off at the crack of dawn, 7:00 AM sharp, and rages straight through until 8:00 PM like a festival that absolutely nobody bought tickets for.
To the naked eye, these fine gentlemen appear to be church-going folk who innocently trade pokemon cards in their free time. But enough community members have had enough and claim the area is infested with dodgy dealings.
A LIQUID NIGHTMARE!
“It’s a moerse problem,” Said one resident who also commented on Mr. Kinshalla’s facebook post. “The mess! The noise! The constant public urination of the pavement! We are literally getting sick from the fumes!”
The situation has reportedly become so vrot that local water meters are spinning faster than a slot machine at the betting shop. The flat owner has allegedly been forced to spend his own hard-earned cash on heavy-duty industrial chemicals just to blast away the daily deposits left right outside his front doorstep.
“My water bill is through the roof! I am spraying and praying out of my own pocket just so we don’t suffocate from the stench,” the resident reported.
Taking the piss when it comes to public decency. Shocking photos show a trio of individuals drinking,
urinating and defecating in public.
COPS WARN: ‘DON’T BE A HERO, LIONEL!’
In a bizarre twist that sounds straight out of a movie script, the desperate resident has tried to summon everyone from SAPS Somerset West to local security giants. He even attempted a high-level SOS to the local political bigwigs – famously declaring he couldn’t give a continental damn about spelling the local councillor’s name right as long as someone did something about the problem.
But instead of a medal for fighting the sidewalk scourge, the resident claims he received a stern, official finger-wag from the local law enforcement. Word on the street is that if Lionel tries to take the law into his own hands and physically clear the pavement himself, SAPS will have no choice but to throw him in the back of the van!
For now, the great Somerset West sh*tshow continues. Will the authorities step in to clean up the Main Road mess, or is this just another thing we must be forced to live with? The Helderburger will keep an eye on this story.
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