WORLD EXCLUSIVE!

HELDERBERG, SOUTH AFRICA — After thousands of years of baffled historians, archaeologists and men on the History Channel asking the same question, The Helderburger can today reveal the shocking truth behind one of mankind’s greatest mysteries.

Our astonishing investigation has uncovered the man responsible.
His name is Leslie Smythe.
And he says he built them.

Not aliens. Not slaves. Not some mysterious lost civilisation.

LESLIE BLOODY SMYTHE.

The 87-year-old former handyman, who now resides at a local old-age home, claims he constructed the Great Pyramid of Giza himself — with the assistance of “a garden boy or two.” When questioned about the astonishing engineering feat, Smythe was initially reluctant to speak. But after The Helderburger presented him with an artist’s impression of the Great Pyramid, he reportedly stared at it for several seconds before saying:

“Ja. That one.”

‘WE DID IT ON WEEKENDS’

According to Smythe, construction began “one summer” after he was asked to help with “a little building job.”

“It wasn’t supposed to get that big,” he explained. “Then somebody said, ‘Why don’t we make it a pyramid?’”

The rest, apparently, is history. Smythe claims the enormous limestone blocks were moved using “a wheelbarrow, some rope and a bit of common sense.”

When we pointed out that some of the stones weigh several tonnes, Smythe reportedly became irritated.

“Ja, well, obviously we had a bigger wheelbarrow.”

WHAT ABOUT THE 2.3 MILLION STONES?

Smythe’s explanation is remarkably simple.

“We just carried them.”

When asked how two elderly men and a pair of garden workers could possibly move millions of tonnes of stone, Smythe allegedly replied:

“You do one at a time, don’t you?”

Experts remain baffled. Professor Harold Jenkins of the International Institute of People Who Study Old Things said: “This completely contradicts everything we currently understand about ancient Egyptian construction and I remain skeptical of Mr Smythe’s claims.”

Smythe’s response?

“Well, I was there. There was a war too you know”

THE FINAL PIECE OF THE PUZZLE

Our investigation has also uncovered a possible explanation for the mysterious precision of the pyramid.

According to Smythe, the workers simply “measured it properly.”

When asked what tools they used, he replied:

“A tape measure.”

Historians were unavailable for comment.

BUT WHY HAS HE NEVER TOLD ANYONE?

This is perhaps the biggest mystery of all.

Smythe claims he never received proper credit because “the Egyptians were very bad at paperwork.”

He also says he tried to explain the truth several times over the years.

“Nobody listened.”

That changed when The Helderburger came knocking.

Unfortunately, Smythe’s patience did not last long.

After approximately seven minutes of questioning, he stood up, pointed towards the door and delivered what may be the most explosive statement in archaeological history:

“I BUILT THE PYRAMIDS. NOW F* OFF AND STOP BOTHERING ME.”**

He then returned to watching cricket on TV.

CASE CLOSED?

The Helderburger believes this astonishing revelation may finally settle one of history’s greatest mysteries.

Who built the pyramids?

Leslie Smythe.

How?

With a wheelbarrow.

Who helped?

A garden boy or two.

Why did nobody know?

Apparently nobody bloody asked Leslie.

And where is the evidence?

According to Smythe:

“Go look at the pyramid. It’s still there, isn’t it?”