STRAND, CAPE TOWN — A Strand man is recovering both physically and spiritually this week after allegedly attempting to help himself to what he described as “an unattended braai and some chairs that looked lonely.”
Police say 38-year-old Dwayne “Dronkie Dwayne” September allegedly scaled the perimeter wall of a beachfront property on Beach Road at approximately 1:47 AM, after spotting through the gate what he reportedly called:
“a Weber braai with the coals still warm, bru.”
According to neighbours, Dronkie Dwayne moved through the property “like a man guided by destiny and three and a half Black Labels.”
That destiny lasted roughly six seconds.
Because rounding the corner of the stoep was Hercules…
a boerboel described by first responders as:
“The size of a Woolworths trolley. Built different. From another time.”
Witnesses say Hercules wasted absolutely zero time on introductions.
What followed was immediately dubbed by onlookers as:
“The Great Reckoning of Beach Road.”
Neighbours reported a sequence of sounds including screaming, a patio umbrella being knocked over, flip flops slapping on tiles at impossible speed, and what one resident described as:
“A grown man making the exact noise a seagull makes when you step on it.”
Investigators say Dronkie Dwayne attempted the following survival strategies:
- Hiding behind a potted aloe (it did not help)
- Offering the dog a piece of biltong from his pocket (“He wasn’t interested in negotiating”)
- Shouting “VOETSEK” in seven different tones, ranging from authoritative to completely broken
- Attempting to befriend Hercules by saying “Aweh boy, jy’s ‘n goeie hond, né” in a voice that cracked like a cheap braai grid
- And at one point, allegedly trying diplomacy: “Bru, I swear on my ouma, I didn’t know this was somebody’s house.”
Hercules, who grew up in the Cape and has heard every excuse, remained entirely unconvinced.
Authorities say Dronkie Dwayne eventually scaled the braai itself — singeing his shorts in the process on the still-warm coals — and phoned his cousin Riedewaan from the top of the Weber at 1:54 AM, screaming:
“TELL MY MOM I TRIED MY BEST.”
Riedewaan reportedly replied: “How did you get this number?”
Police arrived to find Dronkie Dwayne balanced on the braai, left slide missing, right sleeve torn, quietly humming what witnesses believe was a hymn from his primary school years.
Hercules was seated below him.
Patient. Focused. A professional.
The homeowner, a retired schoolteacher named Tannie Ansie, emerged from the house in her gown to find:
- One shaken burglar
- One braai slightly relocated
- One aloe destroyed
- And a boerboel vibrating with quiet satisfaction
Tannie Ansie reportedly looked at the scene, looked at Dronkie Dwayne, and said only:
“Jy’s baie lucky the coals cooled down.”
Hercules has since been formally recognised by the Strand community with:
🥩 An entire neck from the Saturday spit braai 👑 Supreme protector status over the entire street 🍖 Unlimited koeksister privileges from Tannie Ansie 🦴 A hand-painted sign on the gate reading: “Property Protected By Hercules. Ask Dwayne.”
The neighbourhood WhatsApp group — Beach Road Watch 🇿🇦🔦 — immediately rechristened the dog:
“The Boland Bailiff.”
Hercules — a proper boerboel in all his intimidating glory. Imagine that unit rounding the corner of Tannie Ansie’s stoep at 1:47 AM while Dronkie Dwayne stands next to the Weber braai thinking he’s about to have a lovely evening.
No wonder the man called his cousin from the top of the grill. 🐾🔥
Moral of the story:
On the Strand, you might think you spotted a free braai…
…but some braais have a guardian.
And some guardians have been waiting their whole life for exactly that moment.
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