A CONNOISSEUR’S GUIDE TO THE HELDERBERG’S MAIN ROAD HIDEOUTS
I have recently been accused of having high standards because I once asked for a clean glass in a Somerset West bistro, but I am here to set the record straight. Nothing gets my heart racing like a pub that looks like it was recently used as a filming location for a “man bijt hond”…
THE DIRTY TRUTH ABOUT DATING IN SOMERSET WEST, STRAND AND GORDON’S BAY
If you are looking for love in the Helderberg basin, you might be better off dating a mountain tortoise. A recent investigation by The Helderburger has revealed that the local dating scene is less of a romantic comedy and more of a survival horror movie. From the high walled mansions of Somerset West to the…
KAMP KLAUS: THE ANGRY GERMAN TYRANT TERRORISING STRAND WHATSAPP GROUPS
Residents of a peaceful beachfront apartment block and the surrounding streets in the Strand have reported a new kind of coastal erosion. It is not the tide or the wind that is wearing them down, but the relentless, caps lock fury of a man known only as Klaus. This retired engineer has turned the local…
GROOT KAK IN THE BASIN: DISGUSTING SHIT GOBLIN DAUBS “BROWN LOVE” ON PUBLIC TOILETS
A wave of fury has washed over a popular shopping district in Somerset West after a local vagrant turned a public bathroom block into a personal art gallery using his own bowels. Residents who were expecting a clean place to wash their hands were instead greeted by a sight—and a stench—that has been described as…
THE GHOST IN THE GADGET: HAUNTED ATM AT SOMERSET WEST MALL TELLS LOCALS TO VOTE ANC
Shoppers at a well known and very busy retail hub in Somerset West have been left scratching their heads this week following a series of bizarre encounters with a rogue automated teller machine. The device, located in a quiet corridor near a popular department store and a famous coffee chain, has reportedly developed a personality…
SIMON (PSI) THE CLOWN STUNS FAMILIES AT GORDON’S BAY CARAVAN PARK
Holidaymakers at a popular seaside caravan park in Gordon’s Bay were treated to an afternoon of baffling entertainment this week when Simon the Clown made an unannounced appearance. Known to some locals as Psi, the performer arrived with a bag of half perished balloons and a boot full of home-made perfumes that many parents described…